Ever Enough

Sometimes I think no amount of confidence or self-assurance is enough to keep us from the hurt of not feeling good enough. I am a fairly confident person. I wear what I want, I go to social events alone, I am open for ridicule, I am vulnerable. I feel that all of those things require a certain level of confidence. Without it, I would let others rip me to shreds. I believe in myself and my abilities. I believe that my voice matters. I am comfortable in my own skin.

And even though I have so much more confidence in myself than plenty of other girls my age, I still find it difficult to combat painful emotions and voices in my head telling me that even though I'm good at so many things, I’m not good enough.

It’s getting so easy for me to walk away from things I feel aren’t meant for me. It’s easy for me to look at something and decide that I don’t want it in my life. The hard part is looking at something and thinking to myself, “This is it. I need this in my life,” and for it to never work out the way I hoped it would. Whether it’s interviewing for an internship I really wanted and being told “Other applicants were more qualified,” or spending months talking and getting to know someone only to be told “I never saw us as anything more than friends"...all rejection hits hard. I know that despite all of the great things I have to offer this world, there will always be someone better. Someone out there will always be better looking, more qualified, more fun, less of a risk. I understand that. But it doesn’t stop the sting of being told I’m not what they’re looking for.

I'm usually very positive. I have an unwavering faith that things will work out in life, it's just a matter of perservering. I believe that we will be given all the things we need in life, we just have to fight like hell to get to the place where we can recognize that those things we didn't necessarily want are, in fact, exactly what we needed.

Despite that belief, I think dealing with rejection will forever be an ongoing learning process. I will always be finding ways to cope with not being good enough. As disappointing as it is to say that, I know that it won’t always feel this way. Even though right now it seems like the rejections and disappointments are being piled onto me at a devastating rate, eventually I will learn things and find myself in more and more circumstances that will make me feel like I am enough. Eventually, a company will see my potential and hire me. Eventually, a boy will take a chance on me and it will work out. Eventually, I will be exactly where I need to be.

Even though it stings right now, it won’t sting forever.