When Idols Disappoint

Me with Jake McElfresh of Front Porch Step in 2014, prior to any public sexual misconduct allegations.

There are several industries that are known to be infiltrated by predators. Political and filmmaking industries are known to be corrupt, allowing money and power to cover up unspeakable things. There are terrible people in every industry. This is a fact that I have heard time and time again throughout my life.

Even so, for most of my life, it never occurred to me that the musicians behind my favorite songs could be terrible people too.

Punk rock was a genre created in order to give people who felt like they didn’t belong anywhere a place to find refuge. Concerts in tiny rooms were supposed to bring people together to build a supportive community, and to bring hope. This music and these rooms were intended to be safe spaces, but they’re not safe anymore.

Maybe they were at one point, but that safety has long been gone.

I am devastated. 

I knew that there would be a time when my idols would shrink from their larger-than-life appearances. As a 23 year old woman, I have lived long enough to watch so many people that I love and respect turn human right in front of my eyes. I have forgiven many of these faults, as I have come to understand that growth is such a huge part of the human experience.

I fear that this fact of human experience has become  too easy to throw around as an excuse for misconduct.

“It happened a long time ago.”

“I was young and I’ve grown since then.”

“I am not that same person anymore.”

I’m tired of this being an excuse. I am tired of being disappointed time and time again by people who profit from preying on young minds with underdeveloped emotional awareness.

Over the last several years, I have followed multiple stories of rape and inappropriate relationships between band guys and underage people, primarily young girls. I listened to the accusations, read all of the conversation screenshots, and still continued to make excuses for these people. 

Being repeatedly disappointed by the frontrunners of this scene leaves me feeling like I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship. I have been gaslighted; manipulated and deceived to serve these musicians’ agendas. I believed they were good people because their words were good, and when survivors started coming out with stories that disproved my beliefs, I was made to feel crazy for ever thinking this could happen in the first place.

If you’re reading this and thinking “these girls were old enough to know better, they shouldn’t have been messaging anyone 5+ years older than them in the first place,” let me spell it out for you:

It is NOT these kids’ jobs to stop these sexual advances. It is the musicians’ DUTY as the people in power to create boundaries. Fans funded their dreams, and it was their JOB to provide a safe space for anyone who supported them. By making sexual advances, they FAILED these kids. They don’t get to hide behind their “growth” anymore. They need to own up to how they tragically failed at their jobs and DO BETTER.

I am lucky enough to have never been put in a comprising position such as this when I was younger.  And I mean truly lucky, because I can guarantee that if a musician in one of my favorite bands had pursued me in any way when I was between the ages of 13 and 17 years old, I would have definitely went along. I would have been flattered to be chosen by someone I admired. I would not have registered this to be wrong, because I didn’t understand power dynamics or inappropriate relationships.

In some ways, I’m still just as naive as I was when I was 14. I am still learning to live with the fact that not everyone is honest and that words don’t hold as much weight to other people as they do for me. It’s difficult to process the volume of people I have held so highly that are using their platforms to exploit and take advantage of young fans. I am still wrapping my head around the idea that the festival I attended annually throughout all of my adolescence was breeding grounds for these inexcusable behaviors. 

I am gutted. I feel guilty for my ignorance, and for supporting people that are, without a doubt, played on repeat in the minds of survivors who are traumatized by these muscians’ actions. I am ashamed that my financial support has given these musicians the wrong idea, that they believe they can go forward continuing to use and abuse people without consequence. 

I am angry. I feel disgusted by these musicians. How could they lure in these young, confused people under the false pretense of belonging and hope? How can they live with themselves—much less continue to take the stage—knowing they are carrying out such deep betrayals?

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. If not the people that sing songs of positivity that have motivated me for over a decade, who can I trust? Who is looking out for the young people searching for their place in the world?

Even more than that, where are the people in this scene that have vowed to stand up for these young people? What do we do when the news publications are constantly covering up predatory behaviors, leaving unknowing fans vulnerable? How could artists’ management allow this behavior to continue to go on?

Who is looking out for these young people?

I want nothing more than to make these safe spaces again. If these musicians can’t do this, they don’t deserve to have a platform or voice in this community. If the news publications and representations of these artists can’t hold these people accountable, they do not deserve our money.

 If we can’t keep these young people safe from predators, we will continue to fail this scene.

We need to do better.